the week after my job ended continued as the weekend was: miserable. lonely. frustrating. sad. i didn’t know what to do with myself. i felt all panicked like i had to figure something out. i began searching for other job opportunities. “a bank teller? i could do that. a barista? i love coffee! a nanny? i do miss being around babies…”
i also looked into graduate school programs. i love graphic design and one day would like to pursue a master’s in it. or maybe go to liberty and get a graduate degree in worship ministry. both are practical for my life and things that i enjoy. both cost money. both i would have to wait to start because the deadlines had past.
i could see myself doing any of the things i looked into, but when i went to bed at night (and didn’t sleep), i truly only wanted to work for habitat. i called the headquarters that week to inquire about my job application. i rehearsed the speech a million times in my head, trying to sell myself over the phone, hoping to just get a hold of someone who could hear my passion and my potential. turns out, i had to leave a message for the staffing office. so i had to wait longer.
that week i also got a phone call from the admissions director at ocean’s edge, wondering where my deposit and housing paperwork were. i was completely honest with her and told her that i don’t think i can afford to come. i asked that if some miracle happened and i was backed financially, when they had to receive my paperwork by. she said the end of the week, and told me that she’d be praying for me. i thanked her, but in my head, had written it off. there was no way i was willing to go into more debt for a one-year program that i thought could offer me just as much learning experience as my church was offering for free. i couldn’t justify it.
friday of that week, i was emotionally drained. i decided to take a day of rest. i went to the manasquan reservoir, brought my sketchbook and my bible, and spent 5 or 6 hours walking, praying, and drawing. it was so good to get away, expend some energy, and be alone. i didn’t take my ipod because i wanted to be able to listen for God’s voice. as i sat quietly or walked slowly, songs kept popping in my head. it was pretty cool. i kept praying for direction, discernment, a sign, anything. at the end of the day though, i still felt as lost as ever. and as tears slipped onto my pillow that night, i tried not to lose hope.