the breakdown

first off, i’d like to say that i am now a believer in good, christian counseling.  when issues arise in a family, marriage, or any kind of relationship, it is helpful to get an outside and godly perspective to help bring light to the stuff we like to hide behind.  i was skeptical because i know there are a lot of counselors out there who claim to be christians, but in reality, they are shallow and use it more as a marketing ploy than a ministry tool.   that being said, the month of august i was involved in christian counseling and it was probably the best thing that happened to me all summer.

for the first couple of sessions i tried to participate but also distance my emotions.  i wanted to keep it together.  i would talk but only a sentence maximum.  that’s just how i roll(ed).  but the monday after my weekend of fasting, the last night of the session, i finally broke down.  hot tears burned my cheeks as i struggled to find words.  in the end, i was able to voice some past, deep wounds and scars, about being #2 as a middle child, and my current frustrations, fears, and anxieties about not knowing what to do with my life.  it was the most horrible yet wonderful thing that i’ve ever done.

let me back up for a minute.

that morning i received a phone call from the director of ocean’s edge (shout out to @dougfarrar), who presented me with a job opportunity.  he told me he received a call from a pastor of a local church plant who was looking for a new worship leader.  he thought of me because my application “happened” to be on his desk.  he asked me a few questions about my past worship leading experience and my time working with habitat, listened to my heart and my fears about finances, and responded to everything with confidence and enthusiasm.  i was shocked.  i used my voice and he listened to me.  i was flattered that he pursued me.

it all was perfect timing.  i even received the phone call as i was leaving the gym walking to my car- any sooner or later i would’ve been inside and not heard my phone or driving and not want to answer.  twenty minutes later i received a phone call from the local pastor.  he asked me similar questions and also listened to my heart.  his responses were full of hope and excitement, told me they would be willing to invest in me, and even laid out the opportunity to work for them upon graduation from oe if i were to stay in south florida.  the conversation ended with him hoping for the best for me and promising to get back to me after he had met and talked with his board on friday.  my heart was swelling!

was this is answer to all of my prayers?  i still wasn’t completely convinced…  sneaky little doubts crept in – “am i even qualified to lead a worship team?”  “what if i don’t like oe and want to move home?”  “do i have to stay in south florida forever?”

fast forward to the counseling session that night.  after my breakdown, my counselor looked me in the eye and said, “denise.  i think you need to figure out who you are as an individual.  you need to move 3000 miles away and find your destiny.”  that was like a shot to my heart.  she had no idea that i was even considering moving far away to go to school, yet the Holy Spirit gave her discernment and spoke through her, confirming everything that was going on.  it was incredible.

i decided that i had to go to oe.  God was opening up these doors and asking me to follow Him.  how could i not obey?