the other night i was driving home from a deliriously fun evening with my long-time friend at six flags. we went to fright fest and screamed until our vocal cords hurt… on the roller coasters, that is. not at the scary actors walking around with shovels and chainsaws. after hours of walking around, waiting in lines, enjoying the rides and fighting the cold weather, we were sleepy.
we got to talking about memories of the “halloween season” from our childhood. i shared that we never really celebrated halloween growing up (it’s satanic… mom! :P). instead, we used to decorate for “harvest.” i have fond memories of painting pumpkins, following the narrow trail to find candy bars at a local park, and playing in leaf piles with my sister and brother.
then… the blonde moment.
i said, “yea, and my mom used to get hail bays…”
(few second pause while i try to correct myself)
“…no wait… bays of hail…”
i still knew that that wasn’t right. but i couldn’t figure out how to fix it. remember, it is late. we are delirious. but then, the wave of laughter hits us like a tsunami. we are in hysterics. i have a stitch in my side and my face hurt. tears are welling in my eyes. we are imagining large bodies of water, like the one surrounding nyc, filled with chunks of ice and laugh even harder. meanwhile, my friend was so patient as i struggled through the cackling to correct myself.
she graciously offered, “you mean, hay bails?”
“yes. clearly yes.”
i share all of this to illustrate a point. i’ve learned recently that i’ve got a problem with performance orientation. i have this incorrect way of thinking that in order to receive love, i need to DO something. if i do well, i get love. if i mess up, i don’t get love. (LIES!!) i am working on unlearning this pattern in my mind and replacing it with God’s truth – that there is nothing i can or cannot do that will make Him love me more or less. His love is enough, and He loves me just the way i am. huge.
one of the ways of helping a performance oriented individual “get over” performing, is through teasing and laughing… at themselves. so i laughed and i laughed at my mistake. and i felt the healing powers flow through my vains. granted, this is kind of a silly example of a mess up, but it triggered my brain to enjoy my mistake instead of letting it get a hold of me. slowly, my mind is being transformed, renewed, restored (Romans 12:2). i’m taking small steps to apply this truth to my future mistakes.
so, all you performance oriented readers, make mistakes and laugh often!